i am on the first day
of the summer
I am glad to have finished this college year so much better than the last one. The last two days/ without today/ were both exam days, although that is not quite legal, considering that at least one day should be allowed between exams, but hey – not so right things seem to be just around the corner for pretty much all the good stuff! The last two days, anyway, yesterday and today included, there have been so many thoughts – as usual – invading my mind. I don’t know if there is anyone reading them anyway. Or if there is indeed, what the feeling that person gets after reading them. I hope it is a strong awakening one. Hope not bitter. But nor joyful either. All these people coming and going. All these relationships opened, closed, reopened and then better closed. These cut wings, plucked roots, hidden pains, fake reasons, wasted energies, unaccepted vibes, shut beliefs, wrongful doings, demiurgic behaviours and the list – so on.
I have relaxed today, after all the hard work, but not as you or i would have expected – with a good tea, a good book and a good bubble bath – but again on the road, on a train journey, to see my friend. Good for me, she is an amazing one, the kind i like to talk with, because hey, there really is something to be talked about with her. Good for me also, i love train trips. On the second one coming back home to chill by myself, the train was pretty empty, allowing me to enjoy the road quietly, in serenity, a little bit tired, but joyful. No worries, i wasn’ t completely alone on my side of chairs. There was this bee that made me get a little anxious, but eventually managed to co exist together nicely until the train reached its destination. On the first train trip, now, let me tell you about this old couple. They were lovely. I love old couples. They were clearly intelligent, too. At first, i didn’t feel like talking. And they weren’t invading at all. We exchanged a few kind words. And i loved them for the few lines that brought to light the fact that they were so bright and clever and polite and aware. They were traditional in a polite way, but so aware of the ‘modern’ wrongful things around us. He reminded me a little of one of my uncles, who has the wrong idea that he is so smart, that he is somehow entitled to be a snob, to act like he is somehow better, always being surrounded by not so better people of course, which makes it easier, but who is instead of all these – corny and not so smart at all, if you’d ask me, because an intelligent person knows that being too snobby and mean, is no sign of true intelligence and power. Clumsy people are much better, anyhow. I don’t say that knowing what you can really do and are able to project into the world and knowing your values is wrong. But it is wrong when you have a bad attitude. Anyway. He was tall, with long legs, bright mind. She was shorter, seemingly kind and well, reminded me of my own grandma, as she clearly had a particular Alzheimer’s disease stage. She was able to talk and you wouldn’t know. But as they were next to me, i heard her 3 or 4 times asking if today was friday, him answering back each time, that it was saturday. They were from the same city as my grandma. I told them that i wanted to visit that city for a long time. And this summer i
will, must. I must have an old soul. Because i prefer old people often, rather than those around my age. But i guess this is more about the feelings i get from the people around me in that moment.
Another thought. Well, as i was deciding on the train that today i will make a post letting you know about the lovely people around and all the imperfectly perfect beings, i was trying to recall what my last post was. How i started. What it is all about. I would’ve liked to offer you a getaway. Or a somewhat circular speech. But i have no clue to what so ever i am sending towards you. Hope it is nothing near whataboutism, anyway. I was telling you about this friend i met today. She was so funny and lovely telling me a funny story about her and the water bill where she lives at the moment. I told her i could write a book about how charismatic she was, but that until then, that i would include her in my blog post. She is a powerful one. A bit of a nomad, but reliable, strong, amazing. Her hair is red, but that is not the only red thing, she is like a flame, in a wonderful way. Oh and about my exams? The one from yesterday gave me a little shiver there, as i literally went without studying, because i could not do it anymore. I had three exams in the same week and although this exam session was quite good, i let it go with the flow in the last moment. And it went good, guess what! Not for all, tho’. But it will be okay in the end, more than just okay. Anyway, yesterday didn’t not end quite after my exam, as i had one more thing to do, to feel free at last. This was going to be the first time i would let somebody else go, as my whole life, even when i felt things were not on the right path, i waited for the moment when the other one would take the step, because i did not under no circumstance – i suppose – want to make them feel blue, under the water. But yesterday i just knew this had to go. And well guess what – he didn’t take it too well. But you know, it was the idea of having a relationship that he wanted, not me. Almost noone is original and true these days. We act like a wrap. We forget the content. We should be the content. Where are we? Where is it? I hate to hear that it is normal to do something. Why? Oh i don’t know. Okay, then, why is it? How about the feels? The truths? The humanity? Stereotypes.
Last, but not least, you have the RIGHT to be SAD and to be HAPPY and to SAY no and to SPEAK UP your mind, as long as you do not HURT somebody. You are entitled to be. Don’t take it away. Don’t let it fade away. Don’t let it be altered. I am in one of my moods when i want to be alone 24/24, 7/7 but in the same time, somewhere between this and the feeling of hey where did everyone go i don’t say i miss you much but it is weird to know that although we wait for the summer, it does separate us a bit, leaving behind the doubt – will it be the same? will we still be close? still talk? ever see each other again? The same in between goes with destiny. IF something shall happen, whether you are positive or negative it will still happen for sure. But that doesn’t mean that you should just lie around and wait for things and people to come at you, no no. I love to have long deep talks with whom i can. And i tend to keep them close. You should value your differences, your flaws, your thoughts, your perspective. I had a random deep talk with somebody about a month ago. And now i am left wondering about that idea that .. we meet for a reason, either a blessing, either a reason.